Final Thoughts

Well it has been awhile, two weeks since I finished. (If I had a nickel for every time I started a blog with “it has been awhile” I could have paid for the trip)  I have been resting, and reflecting, but I guess its time to write the finish line blog.  Honestly, I have been trying to digest it all, and no, I can’t believe it.  It just doesn’t seem real.  As my Dad and I were riding through the Key’s it actually wasn’t until I hit mile marker 74 the day before I finished, that I realized, I was actually going to make it.  As we sat at a waterside restaurant with only 54 miles left, I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I had spent the last few months grinding it out and now I was about two and a half hours from the finish.  I couldn’t believe it and now that I am done, I still can’t believe it. 

Part of the reason I have been delaying this blog is that I honestly don’t know what to say.  How do you summarize what we just did, the experiences and memories, that will stay with us for a lifetime.  I think the answer to that is, you don’t. 

When I initially had the idea to ride from the farthest point North in the country to the farthest point South, I had been riding a bike for about 3 weeks… SERIOUSLY!

The vast majority of people said that there was no way I could do it.  In reality, I had serious doubts myself.  But I believed in myself, something that is often much easier said than done.  How boring would it be if everything in life was set in stone, and all outcomes were predetermined?  There were so many unknowns, so many things that would be outside the realm of my control, that could ultimately determine my success or my failure, that I had no idea if I would make it or not.  There was however, one absolute, I knew that I had to try. 

So much so that Azure and I gave up our financial security and risked our financial future on a maybe.  Not that our financial future is more secure because we met our goal, but at least we feel like we were able to help some people along the way. 

Originally, I thought I would just ride a bike a really long way and raise tons of money and that would be it.  However, it became so much more than that and more meaningful than any amount of money could ever be. 

I knew two things for sure about this trip.  I knew that there would be the “unexpecteds” on this journey and to be honest I knew that I was staring a challenge in the face that I was vastly unprepared for.  The biggest thing I was unprepared for however, was meeting all of the loved ones left behind.

This became extremely apparent to me right out of the gates.  On our second day after leaving Virginia we headed to Cleveland to attend a fundraiser that a close friend had put together.  Rory had recently lost his best friend to suicide, so he along with a few other guys decided to throw a fundraiser for SAVE to kick start the MHANTS ride.  At the event I was speaking with a woman who Rory had introduced me to earlier in the evening.  (I made it a point to try and meet everyone there and thank them for coming)

We had a lengthy conversation about my personal story, the ride, and other things I won’t go into.  What followed next is something that will stick with me the rest of my life.  As she was leaving she gave me a hug.  Not the way strangers, or even close friends hug, but the type of hug I have only received from one other person in my life, my mother. 

She hugged me like a son, and spoke these words into my ear, “Think of my Mikey, I will pray for you and your wife everyday, and you will both arrive in Key West safely.”  She turned and walked away before I could pick my jaw up off the floor.  Until that moment I didn’t know who she was, not that it would have changed the conversation we had, but it did explain the sadness I saw in her eyes.  It was the look of a mother who will never know why, and will never stop missing her son!  It was that moment that I realized this ride was going to be about so much more than riding a bike a long way and raising money for a great charity. 

This encounter (for lack of a better word) would actually be crucial to my ultimate success.  In the beginning the thought of Mrs. O’Malley kept me going, on the Dalton Highway I truly felt helpless, the elements, the bugs, the mud, cold, and mountains, punished me! I have never actually experienced so much physical pain in my entire life!  I doubted myself, I didn’t think that physically I was capable of doing the ride.  There were times that I didn’t think I could even get back on the bike much less ride up and over the endless mountains that laid at my feet.  But I thought of all the people that I would let down, I thought of my friends who have gone before me regardless of the cause.  And I though of Mrs. O’Malley and her son Mike, and I made myself get back on the bike.  I told myself that by doing this ride maybe just maybe I could prevent one family, one mother, from going through what Mrs. O’Malley was dealing with.  As I wrestled with the constant self doubt that a challenge such as this can present, I thought of these people and I got back on, again and again.

Sadly we would meet so many other people along the way that had direct and profound experiences with mental illness and suicide.  All of these people kept me going. 

As a novice cyclist (if that) I completed a ride that would challenge most anyone.  The only reason I was successful was because of the people that were constantly in my thoughts and prayers and because of my wife.  I am undeserving of a woman such as Azure, somehow I got lucky.  I still don’t know what she sees in me.  If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have even gotten out of the van in Prudhoe Bay.  Seriously, she had to kick me out of the van at the start.  So much doubt had already crept into my head after driving the route and seeing what I had to ride, I was scared to even start.  But she more so than myself, believed in me. 

I thought of trying to summarize the ride but after over two weeks of deliberation, I can’t.  The overwhelming reoccurring thought is that of the people.  At the end of the day I just hope that I made a difference.  Really isn’t that all that any of us strive for?

If on my death bed I can say that I made a difference for one person, I will be satisfied. 

I have so many people to thank I cannot possible remember or thank all of you.

Most importantly, I have to thank my wife.

Azure you truly are my everything! For believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself and pushing me to be better than I am. Thank You!

To my parents who encouraged me to follow my heart, and when funds ran out half way through the trip were there with a loan so that we could complete this journey, we will pay you back eventually ;)

Thank You!

To the rest of my family who chipped in and bought me a brand new cyclocross bike (which I rode from Prudhoe Bay to Seattle) and were there with encouragement every step of the way.

Thank You!

To Dan Reidenberg and the SAVE organization for your support and all the work you do for the cause.
Thank You!

And to everyone who supported us, took us in, paid for repairs, fed us, encouraged us, shared your stories with us, and helped us along the way.  You all have restored my faith in the human race.  Sometimes all we see in the media is the bad in the world, you have reminded us that, that isn’t true. Thank You!

Believe in others, try to make a difference and you will. It starts with you!

Until next time love yourself, love your friends, trust your instincts and live each day like its your last.  Live for yourself, live for your fellow man, learn from your past, and work to achieve a better tomorrow, for all of us.

And always remember when it seems like there is no way you can make it to the to of the mountain that lies before you. JUST KEEP PEDALING!

KEY WEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MADE IT!!!!!! This ride has officially finished successfully!  I have so much to say and so many people to thank but right now it is time to PARTY!!!!!!!  I will post a finish blog and final thoughts post in a day or so.  To everyone that supported us and believed in us thank you!

 

Getting Close

There are a bunch of thank yous’ that are in order.  First off the Miami event, for everyone that was involved in putting together the Miami event, Thank You!  It was an awesome evening.  For everyone that came and shared their stories and donated, Thank You!

We had to head out of Miami rather early on Saturday in order to get back on the bike at a decent time.  We got back to my stop point only to realize that my bike computer was nowhere to be found.  After an extensive search, I decided that I couldn’t kill anymore time so I had to ride without it.  For those of you who are on the Spot distribution list, if you were wondering why you received so many spot notifications, with out the computer I was using the spot to calculate my average speed.  Even with the GPS it is going to be an approximate average at best.  

But on a positive note after four months the wind was finally at my back, so even with the delays I was able to put down some miles.  My Dad jumped on and was going to join me for the last hour on the bike, until he had a major mechanical.  The brake mounting nut on his front brake came loose causing his front brake to come flying off of his front fork.  We looked but couldn’t find the bolt, we eventually had to call off the search and ride due to darkness.

 Lucky for me, the next day the wind was still blowing so I had one of my largest if not the largest mileage day and barely broke a sweat. While I was riding Azure and my Dad were going to head to a bike shop, the closest one being 80 miles away. Lucky for them, while they were sitting at a pull out a man pulled over to see what we were doing and he had a friend that had the part that they needed. Robert took them to his friend, Jim’s house. Jim fixed up the bike and they were on their way having saved hours. So, thank you to Robert and Jim for being willing to help out strangers.

We are about to head out and honestly it is really hard to believe that I will be in the Keys today and finished tomorrow (as long as there are no unforeseen accidents or delays).  I probably won’t get a post in tonight but will try to put something up after the finish tomorrow. 

11-6

65.5 miles

aprox average to be determined

11-7

133.2 miles

aprox. Average to be determined

Kate Seim's blog post

Well as usual, things didn’t go as planned.  According to my parents, Florida hasn’t had any rain in weeks. Then the weather got the memo that I was riding through.  A huge line of storms moved through towards the end of the ride last night, causing me to fall short of my daily mileage goal yet again, and preventing me from riding today.  We actually knew that the weather was coming so we left a stake in the ground at I-4 and US 27 where I stopped for the day and headed to my parent’s house in Tampa (about 45 miles away).  I didn’t want a rest day considering my timeline, but at this point I have accepted the fact that there is nothing I can do about the weather.  I have come too far to try and push the envelope and risk injury or worse.  Depending on the weather, I may ride some in the morning tomorrow or we may just head directly to Miami from Tampa, returning to the road on Saturday.  I am really looking forward to the Miami event, and hope to see many of you there.

I have an interesting addition to this blog post.  Some of you may remember that when Azure and I were in West Yellowstone we met a woman who had just lost her husband.  The morning that we spent with Kate was actually probably one of the most meaningful days that we have had on the entire trip.  Not because we had a happy celebratory reunion with old friends, or made it to one of the many trip milestones, but because we had such a heartfelt, honest, and unguarded conversation with a person who at the time was a total and complete stranger.  We met as strangers yet we parted as much more than that.  As we were leaving I told Kate that if she was willing, a blog post written by her would be very powerful.  What she sent to me is so much more than that.  What you will find below, is unguarded, honest, and true.  Kate, Azure and I thank you for the time that we spent together.  I thank you for your willingness to share you story, I know all too well how hard that can be.  I have not edited or modified this in any way shape or form, this is Kate Seim’s blog post.

He was begging for his life and I killed him anyway.  That’s what it feels like two months after your husband shoots himself.  At least, that’s what is left in my world. 

Mike and I were married in October 1999.  We have two beautiful children; two boys that mirror Mike’s heart.  Two boys that Mike left behind to wonder what happened.  A seven year old that believes he could have saved his dad.  An eleven year marriage wrought with alcoholism, depression, and, who knew, mental illness.  An eleven year marriage that ended so I could save myself.  I left and Mike died.

This is not my academic assessment of what happened.  I understand that my husband was sick – I knew it when he was still breathing – it’s what motivated me to leave.  He wouldn’t (or couldn’t) get the help that he needed and I couldn’t save him. I was dying inside.  I did what I had to do, yet, somehow, that explanation doesn’t seem square in the face of human fallout.

In the weeks after I left, Mike made desperate pleas to save our marriage.  I held my ground.  He made familiar promises of change but my wall kept those promises at bay.  You’re cold and heartless, he said.  No.  I’m breaking the cycle.  I’m breaking the cycle.  I’m breaking the cycle.  My daily mantra.

We had a therapist.  She was among the few to witness (and document) the deterioration of Mike and the failure of our marriage.  She openly supported my decision to leave.  She counseled Mike to seek change through rehab and treatment.  She admonished no one – she advocated for healthy living.  Mike didn’t see advocacy.  Mike saw conspiracy.  That was when our therapist explained that the stronger I became, the sicker Mike would get.   

Reconciling fact and perception is a daily exercise.  The events are true.  They are unchanging as history dictates.  Perception is altogether different.  Some days I feel responsible and others I feel vindicated.  Some days a monster looks back from my mirror and some days it is the face of a free woman.  The constant, regardless of fact or fiction, is sadness.  Mike left a hole the day that he died.  There is nothing left to fill it.

Suicide isn’t meant to kill just one person.  Of all that has been said to me in the weeks since Mike killed himself, this stands out.  It implies that his death was vindictive instead of being the “end of suffering” that we read about in pamphlets and listen to on macabre webinars.  And it might be true, what that man said.  Mike called me as he was preparing to die and I heard the gunshot that ended everything.  His voice wore a strange mixture of craziness and clarity – hatefulness and love.  He didn’t leave a note.  He left his words with me: a placement of trust or gaff of eternal torment?  It was “10pm Mike” that made that call.  The one who grew more detached as his sickness grew.  It was the Mike who had lost his way. 

I’ll never get it.  None of us will ever get it.  I can’t imagine myself in a place where suicide is the solution.  That hopeless feeling is the only box I can find that fits Mike’s death – a worn, tired, oddly-shaped box. 

There is no proud, safe place to stand in the face of suicide.  It is dark and ugly – but it is not lonely.  The quiet masses that share this story come forward and take force on the glass porch above that chasm.  They show you that you can jump and the glass porch will not break.  And then they shrink away.  There is no heroism in facing mental illness alone.  There is no sanctuary in keeping the void left by suicide.  I am in my detached place.  This will pass and I will find myself in a different, pigeon-holed stage of grief.  And when I find myself in that place, I will keep doing what I have been doing: showing up.  Which I have found is often heroic in and of itself. 

Back on the Bike

I must say that the two days in Palm Bay did wonders for me, physically and mentally.  To have a town so willing to help and to try to make positive changes in their community was really wonderful.  It was rejuvenating. 

I got back on the bike headed across the panhandle. The wind was still present and accounted for as usually.  Honestly though, that has become the norm.

I did get a great surprise yesterday.  My parents drove up from Tampa last night.  It was great to see them.  We met up in Lake City with them and my Dad’s best friend, a.k.a. my Uncle Jack, and proceeded to stuff our faces.  I am actually surprised that I didn’t have to be rolled out of the restaurant. 

My Dad is going to be with us for the final week, which is awesome.  He road with me for about 40 miles today… pretty good considering the wind we had. 

That’s where the good stuff stops; three flats and a crash were on the menu today.  The crash could have been worse, I flatted and was trying to get the bike stopped and got tossed.  I have a pretty big knot on my knee, but it could have been way worse. I fell short of my mileage goal for the day both yesterday and today, so I will need put up a decent day tomorrow and the next to finish on time.  My Dad is convinced that he was bad luck; I informed him that today doesn’t even rank in the top 30 of bad days on the bike. 

I know this blog is a little lack luster but I’m pretty tired, but getting closer everyday.  Thunderstorms are predicted, but hopefully we will stay dry, I am out of time to spare. 

For those of you who are in the Florida area SAVE is holding an event on the 5^th in Miami.  The event flyer is posted below any and everyone is welcome, we look forward to seeing you there.

10-31

107.5 miles

17.1 mph average

36.3 mph max

6:16:03 ride time

11-1

113.1 miles

16.2 mph average

35.6 mph max

6:57:47 ride time

11-2

87.39 miles

16.3 mph average

24.6 mph max

5:20:14 ride time